Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Written & Directed by Andy Sidaris

This is the worst film I have ever had the pleasure to have seen. But before you throw out generalizations and just ignore anything I have to say and ignore this film for the rest of your life, let me break it down for you, because this film is worth something. In terms of cinematic criteria for making a good film, it comes nowhere near the criterion.

The plot is paper thin. Two female agents for the ‘Agency’ go to Molokai with a contaminated snake (they got the wrong snake), find an RC helicopter filled with diamonds and get mixed up with those trying to smuggle them. Now to figure out this plot you have to sift through all of the filler thrown in. For instance, when the two ladies find the diamonds, they must go to the jacuzzi to think about what to do next. Why the jacuzzi you might ask? Because they do their best thinking there, and apparently do their best thinking topless too.

So now what about the acting, probably the worst collection of actors I have witnessed on screen (even worse than Twilight. The delivery of every line is so stiff. And the lines they have to deliver are so hysterical. Things like, “Man…he must be smoking some heavy doobies.” Or even better, “Hey Colleen! You’ve got a great ass.” The key to this line is the fact that it is delivered with such dramatic inflection, as if he should be saying, “I love you,” as he goes off to fight the bad guys. Just laughable stuff.

Now what about some of the effects you might ask? Well, the snake I was talking about was the most ridiculous looking piece of plastic you ever did see. But let’s start at the beginning. The opening credits are great. It takes place in a warehouse where men are moving crates around and on the side of these crates are simple pieces of paper with the casts’ names on them, awesome. But as we move along to the penultimate action sequence in the film, the only way I can give it justice is to do a play-by-play. Two guys drive down the road, a guy goes by the other way on a skateboard using his hands instead of his feet. Then he doubles back in a car with a blow-up doll, then he goes back past the car on the skateboard, with the blow-up doll and a gun. The guys in the car see the gun, hit the skater, causing him to fly straight up in the air(?) about 10 feet(?) and proceed to shoot him in the air with a bazooka, causing him to explode in the most hilarious way you ever did see. But it’s not over, the guy then shoots the blow-up doll with the bazooka, causing it to explode in much the same manner.

Now you may think it would end there with the ridiculousness, but it doesn’t. Latter in the film, one of the protagonists starts playing frisbee with a evil man aptly named ‘Shades’, who is quite the showoff when it comes to frisbee. Our protagonist switches the disc on him, however, with one laced with razorblades! Oh no! He throws the disc at him and it manages to lodge itself in the throat of ‘Shades’.

Look, no one ever said you had to make a film better thanCitizen Kane Mr. Sidaris, but this is what you give the world? You know what, no. I am fine with it. Because for one night I was able to withdraw myself from reality and into your fantasy world of terrible acting, terrible plot, terrible action sequences, and great boobs. So thank you, Andy Sidaris. Thank you for making this film for me to laugh at, and thank you for making this film to make me realize the true worth of film.

ZERO

Adam Kuhn

Adam Kuhn was born and raised in Columbus, Ohio, where he attended Saint Charles Preparatory School. He studied History at the University of Cincinnati, where he was a contributor of The News Record, the twice-weekly, independent student news organization. He has been writing film reviews and blogging since 2009.

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